Today's the day

Today, I will be good - God help me.

2010-01-03T15:11:39Z

Have you ever felt so weak?
Sitting at the end of every day in defeat.
What the sins are doesn't matter.
They all do the same thing,
Decaying our souls and bit by bit.

I have existed through this weakness too long.
Wallowing in it's comfort and escape.

Today I fight for a different way,
I fight for my life,
I fight hard to lift my crushed spirit,
Today I get a chance to Live!
Healthy, clean, brave, joyful!
Will you pray for me?

God is with me,
Tomorrow I will smile in victory.

143.4

Alone again and happy

2009-12-03T03:53:48Z

Maybe I should be devastated, depressed. But years of being neglected, ignored, not thought about, not considered in any decision... even acted against, hated, demeaned, discouraged. Made me happy that he's gone.
Good riddance you fucking ass hole.
The only fear I have is that you'll do this to someone else. You don't even realize how messed up you are. You blamed me for your lack of love...DAMN IT, all I wanted to do was love, love you, love us -
Took a shot of vodka, calmed down a bit,
Better to be happy and alone than miserable with a total jerk...
I can start over again, this will be my third time.
New country,
Schizophrenic husband, Baby, Divorce
School, Good job, New husband
Descent into pills, alcohol, ED, Divorce
Freedom?
Want to hear my story? I have time now :-) Stay tuned

Quit Trying So Hard!

2009-09-11T14:05:15Z

It is impossible to free myself of these habits. I need help, but I don't want to share with anyone. It's not that I'm ashamed, shame has never been anything for me. I would happily tell anyone who might care slightly or be able to help that I'm an ana (by day)-mia (by night) alcoholic with obsessive compulsive tendencies and other unsavory distractive habits.

The thing is, I don't think anyone is willing to spend the time to care enough. I know I'm not alone in this experience, but I do know that few of us will recover because we're not strong enough or don't have enough help.
I have become completely sick of my lifestyle. The secrecy, the pain, the hiding, lies. Now my behavior is manifesting physically and it's not pretty. My eyes are red and swollen, my teeth have begun to crack and of course, my drinking is not allowing me to lose any weight!!!.

What's the point of continuing? Nothing is going right.
I need to do something drastic, change this life of mine. Resist the temptations of my habits, become healthy again (God - I miss those healthy days).

So I open my struggles to you. Maybe you can be my accountability partners, maybe you can sympathize. Writing the daily struggle to become whole again may even strengthen me in my quest and show me how to avoid and resist behaviors.
I just have to do something. I can't take this anymore...

Tomorrow will be better...

2008-12-30T23:11:45Z

Blame it on the low pressure system and the high electricity bill $310. I have been in a really hideous mood for the entire day. Gorging my brain with ED movies and documentaries and my body with cereal and yogurt.
After watching those movies, I don't think I'm 100% ana, I think I'm 50-50 ana-mia. I consider gorging myself, eating 500 calories of ceral and yogurt. Then I purge it - SO I CAN HAVE MY VODKA SPRITE ZERO. Maybe I'm ana-mia-drunko! I should see a doctor...
Tomorrow, I promise, I will be better.

Reposting - I DID IT!!!

2008-04-12T15:00:38Z

I hopped on the scale this morning and was 1lb below GW1. Yipee. This means I've broken a very important psychological barrier. You know, that weight you just can't seem to go below, that plateau that taunts us for weeks. Now I'm scared that I'll screw it up so I'm being ultra disciplined. No relaxing until I hit GW2 which is only 4 lbs away.
I've lost 11 lbs in one month. This is how I did it - not recommended for anyone since it wasn't healthy and hurt more than anything else so it's in white out...
From March 1 - March 28
I did cardio 6 days/week for 45 minutes burning an average of 500 calories and 15 mins of high rep low weight strength training (even if it hurt I went)
I ate ~600 calories/day which I kept then about 500 (for dinner) which I purged. (daily purging really hurts - I recommend just not eating dinner, but my ED is a secret)
I drank a laxative tea before bed each night. The stomach cramps hurt like hell so I...
Started taking sleeping pills to help me sleep (that worked - but still bad for you).

I was able to keep my metabolism up with the weight training so to do the math...Based on BMR
(-1300 calories/day X 28 days)/3500 calories/lb = -10.4lbs (close enough)

Like I said, this is not healthy or recommended - but this time - it worked.
Kisses to all of you. Stay Strong and think thin.

The Master Cleanse Day 2

2008-03-09T19:49:45Z

I was doing really well until I woke up this morning with a headache. No big deal, but over the course of the day it got worse and worse. I couldn't concentrate and I have work to do. I considered taking a couple tylenols without eating, but I knew that would just wreck the cleanse anyway. So due to my debilitating headaches, I ate some yogurt and took the tylenol.
I must say though, that even for the first couple days, everything looked pretty clean. Maybe my lifestyle is already clean enough? Not sure, but I'll have to wait until I don't have as many committments before I try to do this again. **xoxox**

The Master Cleanse Day 1

2008-03-08T17:26:30Z

Not sure how long I'm going to be able to do this, but so far so good. Went to Whole Foods first thing in the morning to get the ingredients: Lemons (14), Limes (7), Grade B Maple Syrup (They didn't have Grade C), non iodized Sea Salt, 16 Quarts of Evian (I know I'll need more) and Herbal Laxative tea. I already had the Cayenne pepper at home.
Today was the first time in about 4 years that I didn't have coffee and a yogurt for breakfast. I feel ok so far, no caffine withdrawal. After whole foods I did the salt water flush (1qt water and 2 tsp non iodized sea salt). While I was waiting for that to start working, I made the lemonade (2tbsp lemon/lime juice, 1tbsp maple syrup (recipe says 2tbsp), 1/10 tsp cayenne pepper, 8oz water). The saltwater flush worked in about 90 minutes and I lost about 2lbs just from that basic cleansing.
I feel really good so far, only 4 hours in. Wish me luck

Will I Sleep Tonight?

2008-02-24T05:48:56Z

Night. I dread night time the most because it means sleep. Most times I can't sleep. For any number of reasons, like most people, things of the day swim around in my head. They push themselves to the front of my mind then...there is no rest. This is all bs and I'm sick of it. I just want to be happy, healthy, rested, focused, successful, beautiful, perfect. Is that so much to ask?
This is probably the root of my issue. Wanting to be something no-one can ever be. But I keep pushing, just to see how far I can take it.
I know there are a lot of us out there, but I feel like I need to show that I can do this.
Come to think of it, if we put all our determination, time and effort into a common cause - not just ourselves - maybe we can do something great.
There go those thoughts again hahaha. But I'm happier now.